Dear Lord,
I have hurt many people who I care very much about, deliberately. I have been extremely self-centred, so much so that I have been horrified with myself. There are no excuses for what I have done, and I am not going to try to make any.
Recently I learned how to apologise to people, and discovered that an apology is about the person you have hurt rather than how terrible you feel about it. The burden of sin is something that You alone can take, and I thank You once again for taking it for me.
I’ve said ‘I’m sorry’ loads of times without meaning it one little bit. I’ve only said it because I knew it was what the other person wanted to hear, and I wanted the terrible problem to end. I have become very good at saying things I don’t mean, and originally I thought that this was a good thing to be able to do. I was able to protect myself, and then sort the mess out later without anyone knowing about it.
It’s only over the last few days that I’ve found that principles mean more than I had thought they meant. It’s not about coming out the other side when things go wrong – it’s about sticking to the Lord’s commands no matter what is happening or might happen to you. I haven’t told the truth because I was afraid of how angry and hurt people would be. I was afraid of losing those close to me, but in the end it is my lies that might well do that.
You have shown me the consequences of my lies and all those times I have broken my word. Best friends in floods of tears, growing ever more ill, more frustrated, more hurt, more angry, more weak and more depressed. My mother overwhelmed with anxiety, tears, worry, hurt, stress, fear and rejection. Family members vulnerable, concerned and afraid. An analogy is that I’ve been setting up human sacrifices for months, one after the other. Manipulating people. Betrayal.
I thank you, Lord, for your mercy in showing me this. I thanked you that I can feel enough so as to cry for those I have hurt, where I couldn’t before. I’m not sure that I will ever truly care for others above myself, though with Your grace I will keep trying. I thought I knew the meaning of words like ‘love’ and ‘self-sacrifice’ but I never have. You have accepted me when others are finding it painfully difficult.
I thank you, Father, for all of the help my family and friends have given me and continue to give me. My life is about to change in a big way now, but I believe that I have made the right decision – for everyone else, and myself. I hope one day my friends will be able to forgive me for the wrong that I have done, but I want them to know that I will always love them however I can, and will continue to ask Jesus to teach me how to love to the fullest and at the deepest.
Posted by thepinkjedi 
